Prefrontal lobe developments and reflections on revolution

Healing is like forgetting that you’re mentally ill. Now I understand why boundaries are a thing and that you can have boundaries to protect others from yourself. I’ve always felt as though I’m constantly over explaining myself, and spilling my guts, getting vulnerable and I think I was hoping others would stop me. However, I’ve realized that this is only within my control.

It’s weird to take responsibility for yourself when you’ve been abused and manipulated, because you’ve always been so critical of yourself and hated yourself. But it feels a lot like growth to realize you are not hurting yourself by doing this, it feels like overcoming learned helplessness. As though im not stuck in the body of a child but growing into an adult with power.

I think its the trauma that makes one unable to realize that they are not a child anymore— which is logical because learned helplessness is like a baby elephant growing up attached to a rope it can’t break but growing up and not realizing the rope isn’t there anymore cuz it outgrew it.

So, how does this connect to taking to taking responsibility and setting up boundaries to protect others from yourself? Well like I said I always felt so much shame, felt exposed and gotten in spirals I letter regret. I was inadvertently forcing others to parent me and take care of me because of my own wounds. Maybe there was a time where I was just a kid with no adult support needed, nor the community, except for other people my age who would of course not be able to meet my needs because they are also kids. But that can’t keep happening anymore, because I can do better, I can know better and I have control over myself.

I am not stuck with my parents anymore. Although dependent on them financially, this is not a mandatory thing anymore as I am recovering from burn out and can find jobs, or find ways to make money from writing. I am not stuck with any other human being, because they do not force me to be there, I have made choices or allowed their passivity to speak for me. When in reality, I need to stand up for myself and fight. I think I still have to work on my tendencies to be passive and be active. So that led me to think about how I can set up boundaries to prioritize time with myself, and find myself, and avoid losing myself in others and putting responsibility on them.

I have a hard time accepting that I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. Whenever I get better I assume I’ve recovered because I had understood that it could go away. But I think I mistake not being depressed with not having BPD, when in reality it’s about my emotional regulation and how I navigate relationships or how I deal with my CPTSD symptoms.

Like yeah I’m not out there trying to end my life anymore, and neglecting myself or hating myself, but I am bound by the same traumas as I avoid intimacy with others, hijack my developing relationships, or avoid further deepening my existing relationships.

This is such a frontal lobe developing movement for me, and having this epiphany puts me in a new place of discomfort. It’s like peeling an onion with me.

I deeply believe that mental health is parallel to praxis. Dialectical materialism and historical materialism, help me understand why I psychologically am the way I am. It also helps me heal, and get away from the self-hating and shaming language that is thought under capitalism— it’s literally slave mentality and believing that I am doomed, or punished because I am somehow so bad and unlikable or untalented. Anti-capitalist thinking is empowering because it means resisting the passivity, the sheep mentality induced by liberalism.

Praxis means I have to face the contradictions inside myself and grapple with these emotions. It means using dialectics to come at a solution, and reach a new point. It’s literally developing your prefrontal lobe, growing up, and doing something new that will put you in a different uncomfortable position maybe but it’s a better one than the doomed, eternal helplessness capitalism forces on you. Because you only grow, when you do something different and then face different contradictions rather than accepting only one contradiction in perpetuity— that is the dictatorship of the bourgeoisie.

Not enough people realize that communism is just the solution to the current contradictions we face but Marx never said communism would be perfect. In fact, I believe the difference among the left reflect the different avenues, conditions, and contradictions in socialism. This is why Primary contradictions and Secondary contradictions are important, and I’d argue that they are similar to setting boundaries. They allow you to redirect energy with intention, rather than being all over the place— similar to me when I’m spilling my guts and over explaining myself. It’s like what am I doing, what is my aim here? Recenter yourself, have rules for how you navigate relationships for your own good and the good of others. Parallel to this, knowing what our primary and secondary contradictions are and how we address them, will help the people’s movement. We put boundaries between us and the real evil, and maintain other boundaries to protect each other and not mistake one another for the real enemy. We promise to each take responsibility to democratically, and collectively address our contradictions.

For example, Capitalism is the primary contradiction and sexism is the Secondary one. As Black Women, we have historically fought with Black Men for our rights but as we progressively get more rights, the Black Women’s issues are dismissed, while their support is still expected when Black Men get killed. That represents a boundary that hasn’t been maintained, and how Secondary contradictions weren’t addressed but were also exploited by colonialism. Because pre colonialism, I’d say African gender dynamics were balanced and contradictions could be addressed, but racial capitalism then exploits them to better exert its primary contradictions of bourgeoisie vs proletariat//colonizer vs colonized.

I found Mao Zedong’s text on primary and secondary contradictions to be incredibly insightful. He explains how primary contradictions like the one between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat should not be dealt with democracy, while the secondary contradictions that exist within the people should absolutely be dealt with democratically. Like you cant give a voice to a fascist, he will always voice his hatred of you and seek to destroy you or dominate you. He also emphasized the importance of dealing with internal problems rapidly, like corruption to maintain integrity.

Anyways, I could say more but I think that is all I have for this morning’s reflection.

All in all, develop your prefrontal lobe and engage in praxis.

In solidarity & love,

Angel

Free the people, Free the land! 🖤💚❤️

p.s.

This felt good, I’ve been having a blank on writing and needed to shit a thought, I wanna say: we’re so back but let’s not jinx it lmao.